And then one day,
I jump into black holes
like they were television shows
in hazy hours
with hazier hearts,
and I’m losing my sanity like sand grains
through tight fists
I’ve grown all along
to not let go of
and in time,
I see a different world
shifting beneath my feet
crawling under my breath
fucking my mind like dragons,
but familiar visions
and I think to myself
“Is this the world where I belong?”
When loneliness arrives,
it brings its baggage along
devices to carve out craters in my chest
and I know this
by my late night angry texts to you
and my struggle in placing words
like fucking rainbows
and I can’t figure out why all that I ever do
is try and see humans as boats
to set my weights upon
and let them sail away with everything I ever was.
I ask myself
Why do you do this?
Are you an idiot?
Or are you just afraid of things you don’t know about?
I’m probably an idiot, I think.
Of course I know about loneliness.
I breed heaps of it
in birthday parties
in evening subways
in marriage ceremonies
and college reunions,
but why does this feel so much like a physical mass
like a phantom
raging silent wars.
I have hydrogen bombs inside, my love
and I’m afraid
I can’t vomit them out of me.
See how I am,
look at these dregs as I dissolve
in this inward deluge—
and an unmade bed,
I’m cringing in this space
and my blood is dripping from my nose
and I wish this were just a dream
and why can’t I forget things
and why do I have to be like this
and why does the sun have to shine in the morning
and remind me of how deep a limbo I’m in
and why does your song still slink into my brain tissues like chips of metal
and why do my directions look so faded
and why do these satellites not take me to your lap
and why do you not fucking listen to me
when I tell you my demons are nothing but a fear
of facing these hours alone?
Of course I’m an idiot
for having you to be in my veins like cocaine
and withering when you’re not.
I’ll return to our daily modern hazards,
flowcharts and turbines
and I’ll think to myself
if all my days will have live hydrogen bombs
ticking to an absolute detonation
that I know I’ll never survive