Regrets of a Fool

How is it that life is meaningless without true love? Chasing, trying to find if you love the pretty woman you laid your eyes on. Experimenting, if you may, with feelings and observing how the girl would react. Will she be willing to see you as a mate? You keep expecting her to say ‘no’.

 

The more she says ‘no,’ the more you feel compelled to try and make her say ‘yes,’ trying new things, trying new words, new styles, till you think you have found one that she likes. And when she does say ‘yes,’ despite her mind telling her not to because she hopes you don’t turn out to be the idiot they talk about in relationship-advice conversations; that creepy mixed feeling you have whether to run away or escape, jump in joy or abscond. You think the fish is in, so now what? The relationship begins. You kiss, you tell. You let things glide. You listen to her ideas. Cute! You imagine yourself to be the guy that she was waiting for all her life. You buy her gifts, trying to maintain your level of adoration in her eyes. You call her early mornings and on important days to show her that you care. You shower praises on her like a broken faucet, and when you are sure that she likes you; you begin to feel that you are already satisfied. She’s in your control now and you don’t have to try anything more. You play it cool, and finally, when you think that you have her figured out, you begin to think that you have realized there is nothing more to find out.

 

This is no more a cat and mouse game. Questions that make you realize the future of such a relationship start to crop. Wait, there is nothing new about her. What will you do after a few years? She’s just another plain Jane. You don’t remember what was so special about her that you followed her around. So, all things start to seem dull day by day. She begins to lack luster, her face has pimples and facial hair, her nose seems like a nonsense joke. Maybe her body isn’t charming enough. You begin to turn away. You begin to realise that she cribs a lot. She talks a lot of unnecessary stuff. Your replies become casual, just to get rid of the nagging questions. Suddenly, lying to her became so easy.

It’s not that she is a nobody. She becomes a somebody that triggers the negative emotions of your heart. She goes out with friends, you feel jealous. You distrust her character. She talks about the stuff she doesn’t like in you, your ego is hurt. She becomes the anti-entity that is out to change you. Changing you for good or bad isn’t the question, changing you is a strict breach of boundaries.

 

You stop responding to all her little chit chats. Apparently, you were busy. Busy trying to avoid. Trying to not go through those negative emotions that you think she is creating. You try harder. You hurt her through words. Smart words, which you know will hurt her.

 

Words that seek to soothe your feelings by confusing the woman’s heart. Oh, you become so smart. You know there is a nail in your heart that keeps going deeper and deeper. You start to feel sorry for yourself. The pain you inflict isn’t worth the pain you are self-inflicting. You turn away from yourself in the mirror, so alone, so sorry, so pathetic. You think that a movie could help or some crap they call tasty food or even go buying things you don’t want, watch porn, trying to substitute, but still carrying that hollow sting in your heart.

 

You regret having even met her. You think life was better without her. Life is better without love, without relationships. And then, at the very end, you breakup with her, at the cost of your personal life, your morals, your parental family, your academics, your job. All of which could have been avoided, if you knew the proper understanding of the four-lettered word, called ‘love’.

 

~ Jeswin M Varghese | Edited by Nandini

 


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