Goodbye, my lover
This is not a goodbye. It’s, in fact, my worst bye till date. Because, I still can’t live without you. But, I can’t live with you either.
I was only looking for a good conversation when I met you, but you reeled me in for a lifetime. And, I knew that I had to accommodate you into my crazy world because you were the only thing that made sense in it.
We are a completely wrong fit for each other. I’m the princess of doom & you’re the blissfully content pauper. You’re born to soar the bright skies, but I can only bring you down. You try to make me feel alive with your patient optimism about life, but I only kill it with my perennial pessimism. You make me smile when I can’t, but I have only been making you cry.
Why is it that I find it difficult to breathe without you breathing life into me, but can’t live without inflicting pain on you? I’ve always been a sadist, but why was it that you turned into a masochist? How beautifully ugly is this love of yours that you’re willing to die to make me feel alive? Why are you willing to put up with the monster I’ve turned into? Don’t you know that there is no sane reason to justify that?
I know you want to save me, but you can’t.This sadness is home to me. So, leave me to my plight & let me be.
Don’t beat yourself up. You couldn’t have possibly loved me better. There isn’t anything you could have done to save me or this dying relationship. This is about me. Always has been. But, it’s got to end now. It might kill me to live without you, yet I can live with that because I am already dead inside. But, you? You’re a living miracle of brilliance & you must escape. I can’t escape myself, but you can escape me. You can escape this misery.
You can be free. You deserve better. The best, rather. And, it’s not me. So, free me from this guilt of putting you through this enticing hell of mine.
Get away from this addictive misery before it claims your soul too. For some devastated souls, it can be the only thing that makes them feel alive. Sometimes, it can be the only thing that they can feel anymore. But, not for you. You can be happy. And, I will be the happiest knowing that you’re happy, be it with or without me. I know that you might take some time getting used to my absence. But, I’d rather have you cry because you’re missing me than have you cry because of me.
Don’t worry about me, love. I will find a way to live with myself, as I always have. But, I can’t live with myself knowing I’m the one that is killing you slowly. And some day, like you always say, everything will be all right. Or, at least better than the destructive insanity we’re indulging in now.
How beautiful would it have been had you met me before, when I was still my naive undamaged self! I can never forgive time for doing this to us. Yet, I hope that you will find it in yourself one day to forgive me for pulling you into this quicksand or for just being too self-indulgent, as you would call it. In my defence, you were warned. You bit off more than you could chew, but I don’t blame you. Because I did the same with you. And, I shall cherish this chunk of you forever because it’s the only goodness left in me. Although not in my life, you shall always remain in my memories. But, I hope you erase memories of my existence like you would do of a bad dream. And, find someone who is as beautiful as you. Someone who gives you hope. Someone who makes your dreams come true. Someone who doesn’t give you nightmares.
So, fly away, before it’s too late. Give up trying to change me. Go, change the world. And, one day, when I wake up to a world that is as bright & beautiful as you, I’ll smile once again knowing it’s because of you.
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