Nothing Lasts Forever
That nothing lasts forever, was proved the day he had left me, hanging midway, crying at my own fate.
To be honest, it hurt a lot, initially. I used to lie down on my bed pretending to be sick when all I wanted actually, was to cry the whole day. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, and now I realize how exasperating it’d been on their end (sigh!). I rarely ate, or left my place; I skipped routine like a sloth waiting for that phase to pass but time stood still for me.
Some days, I tried diverting my mind, desperately searching for an escape and for a change, at certain intervals, got up for my classes, though I never felt like dressing up or even combing my hair sometimes, which would effortlessly grab me the unwanted attention and awkward glances, but I barely cared.
My mind used to wander a lot, aimlessly and uselessly. I used to connect the thoughts, one by one, ultimately reaching him, and forcefully declaring myself the reason of the unpleasant circumstances.
The truth is, blaming myself never helped. It never does.
The day would somehow pass, but as soon as dusk would arrive, so would the ghosts inside my head. I felt as if I tried amassing little pieces of myself during the entire day which nevertheless, were scattered again by the lonely night.
Each breath I took, hurt me more than before and anxiety became the drug I lived on. I’d lay down on my bed, trying hard to conquer sleep, but she’d remotely be seen. I’d turn off the lights and shut my eyelids, staying still for hours at a stretch, and yet not fall asleep. I’d try screaming, but the never ending flow of tears made my voice choke. I’d keep crying; often sleep momentarily.
I’d get up in the morning with a pale face, dark eyes and a heavy head. It hurt that this was happening to me, a person so passionate and dedicated in her love with the “supposedly” other half. Out of billions of breathing souls, why me? I’d ask. Ostensibly, when hurt or grieving, we tend to forget that we are not alone; there are a lot of us going through the same, even if it’s the harshest phase we’ve ever been through.
After letting the gravity of my love pull me down, I saw myself creeping into the dark abyss of depression, and yet did nothing about it. Perhaps, I had no strength left.
Sometimes, my best friend would pay random visits and try talking to me. Mostly I never replied, often didn’t even hear her out, but she never gave up. She tried to keep up the conversation, be it one sided and regularly checked on me, to see if I had eaten, taken bath or worse, got out of my bed, and I got agitated by her concern. It felt like people throwing pity, right on my face.
I would scream at her, ask her not to contact me, but she’d smile and say, ‘Take care, I’ll call you later.’ There were times when I would sit on my bathroom floor, thinking it to be the end of life, the end of all. But it wasn’t, it was just the end of ME. I hurt the single most person who showered care and affection, and it felt gross; I was guilty for turning into a sadist.
That’s exactly when I realized, I was not the same person anymore. The so-called-love I had inside me, had not only vanished but also sucked up the remaining emotions off me. This wasn’t appreciable. Something needed to be changed. Perhaps, something inside me.
Finally something struck a chord inside and I realized that apparently, it was high time for introspection. “I need to focus all my energy towards myself. One cannot sit crying over the same reason forever, because, there’s a lot to do, literally”, I told myself repeatedly, again and again till that was all that went through my mind.
I gave all my attention to my career, which needed to be my priority and which had been neglected for far too long. I started getting up on time, dressing up properly, going out, and working as hard as I could. I wanted to achieve my real goals, precisely because nothing is worth sacrificing your ambitions.
Initially, it might seem fake and forced to yourself but, it isn’t that difficult, trust me. Give it a try at least. Meanwhile, you’d see, what seemed to last forever, will be decaying, gradually.
Seemingly, nothing lasts forever; not even the pain.
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