Living A Curse
Here I am witnessing another sleepless night, listening to the silent songs from the other room which my friends usually listen to fall asleep. Also a dog barks from the street, audible enough to hear but not loud enough for me to figure out the distance.
“Even if you are at floor 9, you cannot call it cloud 9, because you are not experiencing the happiness when you were sitting on the floor at the ground floor”, I said to myself. I have moved to this flat recently and right beside my bed are huge windows with a view of the airport. Even if it is late at night, I continue staring at those flights trying to touch the sky as if that is the only way for them to survive. I also hear vehicles moving in the middle of night, and I wonder how much in need one would be to step out of their secure houses and travel in this freezing cold. Isn’t it weird I am trying to look for reasons behind their actions instead of judging them? Yes, you could call me mature but sympathetic, but relating myself with such situations is not what mature people do. Above all this, I am looking for ways to understand more responsibilities I was not chosen for, I am working on my decisions and learning from mistakes I haven’t committed. This, this is huge and not welcoming.
This is not how my life was supposed to proceed, I had a child in me; I had visions and ideas of living a life accepting worries, but still smiling.
Everything has changed now, I run away from people, I am afraid to share my thoughts. I smile to show I’m normal in order to avoid those unwanted questions from not-so-caring but only curious people around me.
I have lost faith in love, I am losing trust in people, I am losing my smile. I have had an uncommon life with some ordinary worries but I had never let anything affect the curve on my face, but now the mirror keeps cracking a bit every day.
And here I am, still staring at my window, waiting for another flight to fly, just after noticing the ticking of clock at 4 am. Beyond the airport are the glittering colors of street lights, banners, hospitals, buildings filled with employees working and may be houses experiencing a bad end of the day. Irrespective of all this, the dog continues to scream, the songs from other room continue to play as if it loves humming on its own and I still cannot sleep. With all these thoughts, my eyes had fallen for bad dreams and it was another day I needed to pull myself together. I have started believing that there are no new days anymore, it is just a series of hours continuing to exhaust me.
This is the most bitter and better part of life, it continues to move ahead, whatsoever comes. It keeps moving ahead and it is always your choice if you wish to maintain your pace with it. Growing old was supposed to be fun as we had plans to live further, and today I feel as if I’m living through a curse. Am I not?
~ Rewati | Edited by Afreen Zeb