It’s Not Over
The sea has been pounding the rocks mercilessly since dawn. I often wonder what lies beneath that deceptively simple word, the sea. Its a continuous evolving drama of a billion waves and their eternal fight with the rocks. Why did language choose a word as simple as ‘sea’ to describe something so huge and complicated? Have you ever seen the sea in its wild form? When the sky turns grey and you can see it reflecting on the violently rhythmic sea, you are faced with its rage and threatening power. It is only then that the otherwise calm sea reminds you of your humiliating small self, threatening you, intimidating you. The humiliation however, is redeeming in a way. When faced with something so huge, your petty fears and egoisms seem to dampen. You no longer care about the extra pounds you have gained, how ugly you think you are, or if your boss threatened to terminate you. All you know is that there are things much bigger than you out there. The indifference of nature is such a relief from being our unreasonably anxious selves. Sometimes, being faced by something so huge is not humiliating but liberating. It liberates you from the shackles of the tiny roles you have to play in life.
I was hit by something just as violent as the stormy sea. I lost everything, everything a man can possibly lose. My business, my money, my reputation, and my wife left me too. I walked here with the intent to surrender myself to the sea and then got lost in its soothing, yet intimidating rhythm. The sea is grey, violent, and fierce; it was probably more prepared for me than I was for it. At this point, honestly, I feel a strange sense of freedom. If the sea takes me, I win, if it doesn’t, I win again. Wow, so this was what it felt like to live without expectations. So am I scared any more? No. I stand with my arms stretched wide, welcoming the winds and the little splashes of salt water on my face. Everything was lost and it was strangely comforting. The impulsive thoughts of suicide were beginning to subside. Maybe when everything is lost, life is just giving you another chance to live it in a completely different way. How many of us have this chance after all?
It felt good to have nothing to lose.
The weather mysteriously turned less violent, as if responding to me and my mental condition. The sea calmed down, just as I did. I was probably just drawing meanings out of randomly placed events but we all need to be a little nonsensically deluded, even to the point of thinking that the whole universe responds to us, just to keep ourselves motivated. I needed to do that.
I was going to live.