In Search of Him

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him. “I’ve waited for you for so long that I had almost forgotten what it was to be me. But now you’re here. You’re finally here, and my life is complete.”


It had been a whole life of feeling out of place. Of not knowing what was wrong with her. She would look at everyone around her, and they were so complete, so happy with the fact that they belonged. What had she done wrong, she would ask, but the only one who replied was the sinking sadness in her heart. It was worse than any kind of physical pain, knowing that she was different. Different in a way no one would ever accept, different because her own skin felt alien to her. Stop being you, they would tell her. You cannot behave that way. You ought to be proud of who you are. You should be ashamed of wanting anything else. Accept your reality. And accept she did, the lie that was her reality. She looked at herself in the mirror every day, the face that belonged to someone else and repeated, “This is you. This face, this body belongs to you. You cannot change that.”


“You’re beautiful. Why would you want it any other way?” They would ask. She didn’t need a beauty that never felt like her own. She didn’t want a body that felt like a suffocating suit that she couldn’t tear off. I am not this person, she would scream. They shook their heads, they plead that she see sense, they scared her until she couldn’t breathe, they slapped her until she couldn’t think. And still she knew that she didn’t belong.

Why couldn’t they just accept that she was different? Why did they have to call her an abomination? Why was she ungrateful to her maker, to her parents just because she didn’t want what she had been given?


“I struggled so long for you. They wouldn’t let me, so I ran away. I left everyone just for you. Every scar that I have earned is for you. You freed me of my pain and suffering. I have given everything just to be you. And it was all worth it. I love you.” The reflection mirrored her words.


After the wait of three painful and long years, her transformation was finally complete. She was finally who she had wanted to be all along. A transgender man.


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