There have been days when the blade seemed all too welcoming, all too peaceful, all too easy; when the madness that grew inside my bones and dictated my spirit like tiny chess pawns, made suicide seem less like a weakness and more like an art.
There have been days when my heart felt as if the blood in it had been squeezed out in a split second and my breathlessness caught in a limbo of a thousand deranged thoughts and sensations; when self-doubt and remorse took over sanity and drove it against my belief in existence and life; when all I craved for was oblivion.
But one day I woke up and found myself. A little broken. A little scared. A little feverish from all the stomping and cursing and fighting and healing.
Because the demons are not outside. Not in the forest. Not under your bed. Not in the black of your lover’s eyes.
They are inside you and in the darkness under your scarred skin, crawling like spiders and weaving cobwebs and snares of self-doubt and rage, driving away all signs of normalcy and sound frame of thought. They are in the 3 AM bouts of tears over your first heartbreak that seems more like a living monster than an actual memory made ages ago. They are in the eyes of a drunken teenager eyeing the cough syrup when desperation pounds him to the ground a little too hard. They are in the shaking hands of some kid in Syria committing his first murder to keep himself alive. They are in the piled up layers of foundation, kohl and strawberry-flavoured lip gloss that flow away each night down the basin except the self-pity on which they are built on.
So listen to me now. You, yes you. It might seem like there is not a shred of you soul left that hasn’t been infested by your demons. It might seem like death is the only route over your spiritual barricade and conflict, as it did to me, but I swear on all the scars and the savage tattoos on my belly that when I say hold on to your life and the meaning behind your courage, there is nothing else I would like you to do more than to listen to it, realise how lucky you are to be alive and learn how to exorcise yourself off of all your darkness. All your fears. All your demons.
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