A Paranoid Person’s Diary
Crazy. Demented. Paranoid. Psycho. No one can escape labels from the society, but why should I be angry at the society when my own family calls me crazy? Maybe I am crazy, but what about the rest of the world? Sanity sure seems to be wasted on these degenerates.
Paranoia. That’s what they call my illness. People use that term so loosely these days. I wish to thank such people. It gives me solace to know that I have some company.
My wife’s name is Reena & my daughter’s name is Neha. They are my world. Neha refuses to even come near me anymore. The fear in her eyes when she looks at me just tears me apart. I don’t blame her. I guess I would have hated my dad too if I would have seen him beating up my mom often.
I try not to raise my hand on Reena, I really do! But, when she does certain things that I have asked her not to, I just lose it. I have asked her so many times not to talk to any men, but she refuses to listen to me. How do I tell her that all men are dogs; they are nothing but devils?
The other day, Neha was tormenting me with her big eyes. I swear the devil had possessed her and was threatening to kill me. “Stop staring at me!” I screamed at the devil. My daughter was startled & looked away, but I had to get rid of the devil in her body. So, I began whipping her with my leather belt using all my strength. Her howling & screaming made my heart wrench; tears streamed down my face & I kept muttering “I’m sorry, baby” but I did not stop. I had to save her. When I was done, her frail body was covered with bites of the belt that I couldn’t bear to look at. I tried to apply medicine on those cuts, but she kept pushing me away. I cannot ever forget the hate with which she looked at me that day. I wish she could understand my pain.
None of the neighbours talk to me. They are probably scared of me too. They think it is weird that I have covered all the window panes of my house with newspapers, leaving no room for any light to come in. And, that I have 3 latches on both the inside & outside of my house’s door for extra protection. After all, it’s always better to be safe than to be sorry.
I don’t care what my neighbours think but I wish that at least my family could understand me. That people are extremely vicious. They are all out to destroy each other. Especially me since I’m a bad person. No, a horrible person. I’m a horrible father & a horrible husband.
I have been given shock treatments several times, but the remedial effects wear off after a period of time. I know I should get the treatment more often but the shock seems more like torture than healing. I discontinued the medicines because they would make me drowsy & incapable of protecting my family at all times.
If you ever read this, Reena, I want you to know that I am extremely sorry for having ruined yours & Neha’s life. I wish you could have married a better person so that you could have had a better husband & Neha could have had a better father. I have thought of killing myself many times but I cannot leave you both in this world.
Yes, I am violent. I am crazy. I am paranoid. But, I do have a heart that feels. Perhaps, I’m a little overprotective but all I am left with is you both & I cannot afford to lose you. I am a monster but this monster was created by this world. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive this crazy monster some day. I know you both hate me & it’s alright. I do not deserve your love. However, I hope you know I love you both very much & always will.